Veronica's Blog

What Coming a Long Way Feels Like

Recently, it has been small things that have brought me the most joy. Little moments of change that smile and say, “Something good is happening right now”. Eric and I had one of those today.

But first, the context: When we moved into Oakland City in May of 2007 there was a certain brick house down the street filled with particularly intimidating people. I remember one of my early (and last) walks through the neighborhood being told sternly by older men to “Mind my own business”. Since then every time I drive past the house it feels like suspicious, disapproving eyes are watching me. To be fair, Oakland City has some racial baggage because 40-50 years ago white families started moving out because black families were moving in. So while I couldn’t blame these neighbors for their hostility and suspicion, it didn’t feel good.

Recently Eric and I have gotten to know two young brothers, Vernon & Kevian. They are friends of DeAngelo who brought them over to check out the game room and new backyard clubhouse. Vernon & Kevian really like our house, and one day Eric and I pulled up in the driveway to meet Vernon who promptly informed us he had been over seven times that day wanting to hang out with Eric. Vernon is a very smart eight year old who wants to be a scientist when he grows up. Eric and I have grown really fond of these boys.

Sure enough, Vernon came by this morning wanting to hang out. Kevian eventually came too, and they spent a while reading a Batman graphic novel and playing air-hockey. When it was time for them to leave Eric said, “Hey, we’ll come with you. We want to meet your parents”. One thing we’ve learned is that building a relationship with the parents of kids early on really helps the overall relationship with the families. So Eric and I set off down the street.

It didn’t take long to realize that we were heading towards that brick house. I must be honest, a wave of nervousness swept through me. God in his graciousness has brought me a long way in terms of fear. So far that I rarely feel worried or anxious in our neighborhood these days. Fear is an unfamiliar feeling, and I noticed it right away as it crept into my heart. But, we kept walking.

As soon as we reached the driveway, a tall man in a red bandana came bounding out of the house towards us. Gulp. Here we go…

He quickly explained that there are a lot of break-ins happening in the neighborhood these days, but that he was watching out for us. He said that whenever anyone talks about messing with our property he intervenes and doesn’t allow anything to happen. He told us that he has heard what we’re doing in the neighborhood, and he’s not going to let anyone touch our house. When I got over my initial shock I said, “Well, you’re doing a great job because we haven’t had any trouble in a long time.” He beamed and told us he was also the black Elvis and proceeded to give us a sample of his singing talents, which were actually quite good.

Just then Vernon & Kevian’s father, Kevin, came out to meet us. He was extremely warm and knew all about us from Vernon. We talked for about fifteen minutes about everything from the neighborhood (his family has lived in the brick house since the 70′s), his twelve children, eye glasses, going vegetarian, and Kevian’s upcoming birthday (August 13th) that we are invited to.

As Eric and I walked home, Vernon rode his bike alongside us chatting about all kinds of things… but I didn’t hear any of it. I just kept marveling at the wild ways of God and His ability to do anything. In any circumstance it feels good for someone to have your back. In this circumstance, it feels like a little glimpse of what God’s Kingdom is supposed to be.

A Yellow Shirt

We all remember when my brother Anthony was younger he had a knack for spilling condiments on his clothing.  Well, one day in particular he managed to drop a dollop of mustard right smack on his shirt.  My mom, horrified, was pointing the mistake out to Anthony who simply replied, “Mom!  It’s a yellow shirt!”.  Problem solved.

Today we have another “Yellow Shirt” story to add to our nutty family history.  Eric and I were hanging out with DeAngelo who was explaining to us that he was afraid he was going to get suspended from school because he didn’t have a yellow shirt.  Apparently, his new middle school requires uniforms – a fact his family did not realize when they went back-to-school shopping last week.  DeAngelo got a bunch of new things, but nothing yellow.  Since he has already worn the clothes, his mom didn’t want to take them back.  She also didn’t have money to buy him yellow shirts.  He was stuck.

The school apparently told him that if he didn’t get a yellow shirt he was going to get suspended  (a fact I find both stupid and disturbing).  D was really worried about this and telling me & Eric that he might not be able to go back to school, wouldn’t be able to do his homework, and would have to go back to 5th grade.  Perhaps most of all, he was worried if he didn’t have homework, he wouldn’t be able to come over after school to work on problems with Eric.

Somewhere during the conversation Eric disappeared.  A few minutes later I heard rumbling which I thought to be thunder, only to realize it was Eric rummaging in the attic above us.  After a long time of rumbling, Eric returned with an over-sized yellow Ronald Blue & Co. collared shirt.  D was ecstatic.

We hung out a little bit longer and D was grinning ear to ear with the shirt slung over his shoulder.  As we parted for the night, he yelled out “Thanks for the shirt Eric!”

The best part is, not only does he have room to grow into the shirt – but he can spill mustard on it and no one will know.

The Other Half of the Story

One of the things Eric and I love most about Oakland City is the opportunity to be in relationship with the kids across the street.  We feel most alive and most like a team when we are spending time with the kids together.  As Eric has said many times, if you told us two years ago we would have the relationship we have today with the kids, we probably would not have believed you.  It has exceeded our expectations.

The best way to communicate how precious these kids are is to just let you fall in love with them too.  I’ll start with “D” (DeAngelo).  D understands the value of just being together.  Every day he comes over multiple times to see what we are doing and if he can be with us.  Whether we are working, studying, cooking, cleaning, combing the dogs, watching TV, etc. he wants to join us.  I have literally put him to work helping me stuff envelopes for work, sweep the floor, or make a salad.  He is happy to do anything just to spend time with us.  He can often be found during the summer days in our study, learning to draw from books my mom gave him and drinking cranberry juice (his all time favorite). 

Last week D went to summer camp for the first time.  Liz’s brother, David, paid for him to go to the coolest camp in Georgia – complete with skiing, dirt bikes, and every lake activity you can imagine.  He just got back home today, and I asked him to write about his experience.  This is what he said:

“What I like about camp is that I like to do the ZOOM (zip line) and waterfront with all the activities in the lake and riding the mini bikes and playing in my cabin.  Every night we pillow fight and that was the best camp I ever went to.  I want to say thank you so much to David.”

D presents Eric with made-to-order dinner

D Learns to Make Balloon Animals

First and Forever

Yesterday during my morning reading I stumbled across the following passage and it took my breath away at how closely it described my Christian walk:

For too long we have thought of the Christian life as essentially either involvment in political, economic, or social concerns that wear us out and result in depression or activity which keeps the church intact and doctrinally pure.  Our primary orientation cannot be an institution or some great cause or even other people, but first and forever to God.  Unless our identity is hid in God we will never know who we are or what we are to do.  Our first act must be prayer, Oratio.  To be human is to pray, to meditate both day and night on the love and activity of God.  We are called to  be continuously formed and transformed by the thought of God within us.  Prayer is a dedication to paying attention.  Without the singleminded attentiveness of prayer we will rarely hear anything worth repeating or catch a vision worth asking anyone else to gaze upon.

-From “The Spiritual Life” by John H. Westerhoff III and John D. Eusden

I am a total groupie

This blog entry is certainly overdue, but it wasn’t until this morning that I really had the words to put it all together.  Here goes:

Since you last heard from me I have been amazed at how help has been coming from all sides to carry me through the healing process.  You should know up front that I am doing leaps & bounds better… perhaps even better than my good days before this difficult season, for now I know the precious value of being healthy and strong.

My Holy help has come in a myriad of different ways, some of which I have mentioned before but they are worth repeating.  First, you have helped me in tremendous ways.  Your willingness to read this blog, pray for me, and walk with me as I process my hurts and fears has been nothing short of tremendous.  I have heard from so many friends, family, and even my Sunday School class that they are rooting me on, wanting to be there even across long distances.  You have been.  You have been right there and your prayers have lifted me.  I am forever grateful.

The medical treatment I received from Emory has also launched me into a new season of life.  Between the medicine (which my body has now adjusted to) and the regular counseling sessions, I have emerged from the darkest place with tools to transform hardship into opportunity.  I have also learned a great deal about myself, including my needs and limits, which is empowering me to make healthier decisions about what I say “yes” to and when I need to say “no”.  My counselor has helped me see the value and necessity of boundaries in life, and I am applying them without guilt in order to climb back to a sustainable place.  In all of this, I have learned a great deal about how much all of us need encouragement, affection, love, and celebration- and I pray this experience will help me bring life to other hurting people. 

As an avid reader, there are many books God strategically planted along the road to recovery.  The two most notable are Courage and Calling by Gordon T. Smith and The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.  Courage and Calling empowered me with the right questions to ask myself when trying to determine my gifts and strengths so I may find my true calling and vocation.  Thankfully, just about the time I was discovering my deep call to raise funds for InterVarsity, God provided a miraculous way for me to remain on staff.  He is so awesome.  The Power of Full Engagement helped me see four major elements of life:  spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical as interrelated and interdependent.  It also opened my eyes to the fact that a healthy and hard-working life is not someone who is always pushing, but someone who effectively stresses their muscles and then pursues rest and recovery for the next stress.  I have made radical changes in my diet & exercise, flow of work day, weekend planning, and morning/evening routines thanks to the principles I learned from this book.  I recommend it to everyone!

As I continued to learn more about the medicine I am taking (Lexapro) I found that it is best to eliminate caffeine completely from diet, as it can negatively affect mood when consumed in conjunction with the drugs.  As a huge coffee fan, I was not excited about this!  But the Lord allowed me to find a great coffee substitute, Teeccino, that is organic and completely caffeine free.  It actually has no coffee beans in it at all, instead it is made from roots, fruits, nuts, figs, etc.  It brews like coffee, so I can continue my morning routine, but I don’t get the negative effects.  This has been a real blessing, and I am completely caffeine-free now.  Well, other than the occasional chocolate cookie…

With my work, I have been re-inspired to do the best job possible now that I am certain I will remain on staff for another year.  I put together my 2009-2010 action plan, set up new accountability structures, developed plans for strategic events, and have a whole new energy for building awareness of InterVarsity in Georgia.  I have also continued to receive encouragement and support from the National Office, which is a great inspiration to me to make them proud.  I have been encouraged in my prayer time recently, and believe that God is going to do great things with this ministry.  In fact, one afternoon I was praising him for a successful day and felt like I heard his quiet voice whisper, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet”.  Yes, God says “ain’t”.  Because of all the factors I mentioned above, I am able to think of myself as a vessel for God to use in His work, but not wholly responsible for how everything turns out – He is in control.  This has given me a new joy and sense of freedom in my work, and has allowed me to unplug at the end of the day without anxiety over tasks left undone. 

So this morning I was reading through Psalm 84, which says,

How lovely is your dwelling place

Oh Lord Almighty

My soul years, even faints

For the courts of the Lord;

My heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God

This passage spoke to me because I have spent a lot of time lately just enjoying seeking God.  Like the psalmist, my spirit and body also continue to cry out to Him.  This morning I was envisioning Jesus sitting in a room, content and peaceful, like He was waiting for me to get there.  I imagined myself approaching, sitting down, holding his hands, and just remaining in silence enjoying his company.  It felt like many moments I have had with Eric, where just being in his presence calms me down and lifts my mood.  Then I also pictured another scene with Jesus where he was teaching and I was at his feet, soaking it up like a sponge.  Being with Him felt like the best place I could possibly choose to be, because everything good & perfect & sweet filled his persona… and it just felt good to be near him.

I then thought about the people in scripture who are healed by Jesus and then turn into groupies.  They just follow him around and want to be close.  They remember how bad off they were before they met him, and they remember his miraculous healing of them, but most I think they remember how humble in spirit He was and how they felt like He really cared.  For the first time in my life I feel like one of them too.  I remember how bad life felt before he asked me, “Veronica, do you want to be healed?”.  I remember and continue to observe his gentle redirection of my life, and I am a total believer that Jesus is gentle, kind, humble, loving, and good.  For this new season of life, I can’t get enough of His presence.  I am a total groupie.

A Miracle Day!

Today I received some wonderful news from the Vice President of Advancement at the National Office for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.  Over the past few weeks I have been in conversations with the Vice President, along with my Area Director and the Regional Director regarding my decision to leave staff for financial reasons.  While I had turned in my resignation, I also communicated to all three that my deep desire is to remain on staff and continue serving university students in the state of Georgia.  Since these conversations began, I have been praying like crazy for God to provide a way for my job with InterVarsity to continue.  I felt I had done all I could and the only thing left to do was pray.  This is when I asked all of you to pray with me.

Well today I received some INCREDIBLE news!  The Vice President has heard about my work on staff and is committed to keeping me on board for at least another year.  Towards that goal he is contributing $15,000 towards my support!!!!  This sort of gift is really unheard of, and even the Regional Director was amazed.  I am still in blissful shock that God has opened a door for me to walk through.  He is good, and He is in control!

I still have some additional money to raise, but this is a tremendous help and blessing.  Please praise God with me for how He intervenes on behalf of His children!!!

Thank You Jesus!

A Great Discovery

For those of you who love coffee but would like to cut back on caffeine, you must check this stuff out:  http://www.teeccino.com/Default.aspx.  I bought some today and sampled, and was really pleased with how well it serves as a coffee substitute!  Good for you too. 

The Audacity of Love

I really like being wrong when it comes to matters of faith.  The moment when I discover my error is quite enjoyable, because it usually leads to an “ah-ha” moment and greater understanding of who God is.  I much prefer being wrong to being confused or blissfully ignorant.

Last night Eric and I were on a date (following in my parent’s Friday night tradition!) and asking each other the question “At the end of your life, what do you want to be remembered for?”.  My answer was that I want to be someone who loved others deeply, cared about them intensely in every interaction, and make a positive impression on the lives of everyone I meet.  In short, I want to be a great lover of people.

Right after I finished saying this to Eric, I noticed that my answer had nothing to do with career-related accomplishments.  In fact, I could actually pursue this goal while doing virtually any job in the world.  Yet, if this is so, why do I spend so much time agonizing over my occupation?  Why is most of my prayer life devoted to figuring out what I will “do” rather than how well I am loving? 

Then, this morning my scripture for the day was 1 Corinthians 13.  This passage talks about how love is greater than heavenly spiritual gifts, incredible knowledge, and mountain moving faith.  It then goes on to describe this love as:  patient, kind, content, humble, meek, considerate, self-less, not easily angered, not record keeping, hates evil & loves truth, protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, never fails, and is the greatest of all things both earthly & heavenly.  It describes love as “the most excellent way”, which is particularly interesting because I have been asking God to “show me the way I should go”. 

It amazes me how Jesus is constantly flipping everything I think upside down.  As I reflected on the high priority of love this morning, it dawned on me that learning to love our house community and seeking reconciliation is the higher calling than my job.  Yet, at times I have wanted to move out because tension was keeping me from doing my job to the best of my ability (among other things).  It makes sense to me why the Lord has prevented us from separating from one another.  He is most concerned with me learning how to love.  Strangely enough, since we came to the decision to recommit to one another and stay together there has been more communion and fellowship in the house than ever before.  It looks like we are all enrolled in the Lord’s school of crazy, endless love.

It also occurs to me that the Lord calls us to love like this because He first loved us this way.  Anyone who could invent this radical love must in themselves possess it.  It’s pretty nice to think about God loving me (and you) like this.  What an audacious way to deal with humans.  What a glorious God.

The Audacity of Hope

This week has been hard!  More than ever, I am finding it difficult to be faithful in the small things.  Even blogging is a challenge as the low points drive me to silence and confused contemplation.  I have spent a lot of time milling around facebook and sleeping this week.  Ug.

The biggest disappointment in my heart has been my struggle to raise my full support budget to stay on InterVarsity staff.  Beyond processing ideas of failure, I deeply feel like this job is my “calling” in life.  As I have thought about why God created me and put me on this earth, I believe the answer is to help InterVarsity grow and flourish in Georgia & beyond.  The ministry truly does life-transforming work and I want to give my energy and time to getting the word out.  When I pray about it I feel like God confirms this desire over & over again.  Yet, barriers remain steadily blocking the way.  How does one make sense of this & move on?

This morning I was reading scripture (and praying earnestly for God to do a miracle!), and the following passage in Ephesians 3: 14-21 accurately sums up what I desire to see from God:

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with his power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.

Please pray for me this week that God would do “immeasurably more than I ask or imagine” and miraculously provide a way for me to live out my calling.  Please pray that I would be amazed at his power and perfect plan, and see his perfect design in my life.  Please pray that I would not give up on dreams, lose hope, or fall into despair again.

Freedom to Decide

Last night before going to bed I was sitting on the floor in our bedroom, petting Kita, and began to cry.  I’m in the midst of trying to make a decision about my job/career and realized my confusion runs deeper than choosing an industry… I don’t know what my purpose is nor what I am called to.  In short, I don’t know why God put me here and He hasn’t been saying much in prayer lately.

As I cried I realized how hurt I am by God.  I’m trying my hardest to live a life that is pleasing to Him, and I want to do whatever He says- so why would He be so silent?  I’m thinking, throw me a bone here God! 

This morning I woke up sad and unexcited to have my quiet time.  I figured it would follow the regular old formula:  journal, prayer, read, prayer, and perhaps some unpredictable feelings which alternate given the day or how much coffee I have consumed.  This process only hurts more when my prayer is a fervent Lord, speak to me!!!

But this morning turned out to be a bit different.  I didn’t hear anything audible and really, I didn’t even feel anything significant, but I read a passage in my devotional for today which answered my deep questions:

“Another picture that our Lord loves to use is that of the shepherd who goes out to look for the sheep that is lost.  So long as we imagine that it is we who have to look for God, then we must often lose heart.  But it is the other way around: he is looking for us.  And so we can afford to recognise that very often we are not looking for God; far from it, we are in full flight from him, in high rebellion against him.  And he knows that and has taken it into account.  He has followed us into our own darkness; there where we thought finally to escape him, we run straight into his arms.

So we do not erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us hope of salvation.  Our hope is in his determination to save us.  And he will not give in!

This should free us from the crippling anxiety which prevents any real growth, giving us room to do whatever we can do, to accept the small but genuine responsibilities that we do have.  Our part is not to shoulder the whole burden of our salvation, the initiative and the programme are not in our hands: our part is to consent, to learn how to love him in return whose love came to us so freely while we were quite uninterested in him.

Also we can let ourselves off that desperate question, Am I in the right place?  Have I done the right thing?  Of course, we must sometimes acknowledge sins and mistakes and we must try to learn from them; but we should not foster the kind of worry which leads to despair.  God’s providence means that wherever we have got to, whatever we have done, that is precisely where the road to heaven begins.  However many cues we have missed, however many wrong turnings we have taken, however unnecessarily we may have complicated our journey, the road still beckons, and the Lord still ‘waits to be gracious’ to us.

If we let these things really speak to us, then we can surely accept our Lord’s invitation, indeed his command, to cast all our cares upon him and let him care for them.  We can give space in our hearts for Christ to dwell there, and it is faith that gives him space.  We can let him dethrone us from being God in our own hearts, and establish there his own rule.  We can let him give us to ourselves, just as at the beginning he gave Adam to Adam.  Then we can receive from him all that is ours, all our faculties, all our freedom, our capacity to take initiatives, to make our own decisions, so that our true independence no longer challenges God’s sovereignty but is precisely a most wonderful expression of it, as we receive our freedom day by day, minute by minute, from the creative love of God.”

-From Prayer by Simon Tugwell

This passage encourages me this morning because in it I hear that God’s people are free to make their own decisions, and wherever life leads them God is still right there, ahead of them, with wide open arms.  The challenge for me is that for most of my life I have based my decisions on what I thought other people wanted (including God).  It is not easy for me to discern the true desires of my heart, outside of what others think. 

This morning I pray that I could know myself well enough to decide, and know God well enough to trust He is sovereign in my choice.